This was now
Sometimes it feels like the world has multiple layers to it. The layers are within our consciousness, and the world is within each layer… is the layer.
I still can’t find the source of me. I keep looking for where am i’m from, but cannot find the answer. It’s almost like it’s un-knowable to me. I don’t know what to do with my mind, with my attention.. What do I do moment to moment, as I am constantly aware, II just don’t know what to be aware of. Anywhere I place my awareness, something develops and I think that’s what I am trying to avoid. How do I stay relaxed, aware, and not be aware of anything. Breath!?. Or allow myself to fall into whatever happens fully?
The thought of doing that, of allowing myself to fall in fully into something, sounds really desirable for some reason. It feels very freeing to allow myself to fall into a stream of consciousness and really just go with what’s happening at all possible times in this moment. do not go back or remember to go back, unless that’s part of going forward. Not “where was I” unless it’s “I’m going to remember what I was previously saying beblah…. ” [change]
I fear that if I read this later, I’m going to realize that it sounds very small and self-important, and that hurts. I know I can get rid of this feeling by remembering that all feelings have an opposite to balance eachother, and think of this feeling’s opposite… that immediatelly brings reliefe of tension.
Now I am more relaxed, leaning bak with my eyes cosed and just feelining and mentally seeing what I’m typing like…. I see the keyboard fully in front of me as a mental imagination… as a mental construct… construct that has a definite existance. It slips in and out…o rmaybe it’s me that’s slipping in and out. I must be changing what i’m concentrating on… It starts when I focus on the act of typing, but i loose it as soon as I start paying attention to the content of what’s haphening. I have to remember to feel that atention on what’ sgoing on. I have no idea what i’m typing but ai Thinkin that I think that I am typing what I want to sa y and not what somethign else has to seay… I feel i am making a lot of typos or hopefully all I allow myself to type out something fun… like free typing. I awould definitelly allow myself to just trance out and relax and do whatever is right to fall into the type of trance that allows the direct channeling of higher inteligence, higher vigrational and higher love information or ideas or existance or manifestation of such existances. I would very much welcome the opportunity to learn how to manually tak a channeled information and transcaibe it for other s to see. What is the trick? Where do I put my awareness while this is happeneing? Should I try to focus on spelling each word? Or do I fjust let back and let each hand do whatever it feels like… as if I”m ust thinkin t eh thought a nd the hands are doing something over there that I’m nt wwholly aware of of. I will atempt to come back to typing fwiht full atention so that I may see what’s that result is like:
Okay. Now I will try to slow down and really see the letters that I’m typing and think about their location in space and where they are in relationship to each finter. The experience of doing this feels quiet nice. I feel very in control of what I’m doing and typing an dfeel that i am making very few mistakes, mostly due to speed, but not like before when my hands where just flying across the keyboard.
Okay, lights on@